It was another couple years before I gave it a try and finally got it. Getting a tire changed? Stuck in a boring lecture? Waiting outside your kid's principal's office to get read the riot act about his latest disciplinary infraction? Just whip out your phone and scroll through your feed. It's fun, informative, AND a colossal time-waster.
It's always fun to discover a new Twitter tweeter to follow, so I offer up the 20 funniest tweeters Twitter has to offer. Whether you're a newbie (Welcome to the party, @AlbertBrooks) or an old hand, these are 20 of the funniest accounts on Twitter.
Aziz Ansari - @azizansari
This stand-up comedian and Parks and Rec regular is just as funny in 140 characters as he is on stage or screen. Plus, he's also one of the only two cats on this list to use a photo of himself as a little kid as his avatar. Chix dig it!
Sample tweet: Dude from my hotel just brought up a fax while I was blasting Waka Flocka, so I yelled "WAKA! FLOCKA! FAX!" He didn't seem amused.
5:02 PM Feb 16th
Tim Siedell - @badbanana
You haven't seen him on late night doing stand-up. He doesn't have a web series he's trying to option for a show on Comedy Central. He hasn't penned or starred in anything for Judd Apatow. So, who is he? He's simply Tim Siedell, and he's the funniest guy to come out of Nebraska since Dick Cavett. - That's a compliment.
Sample tweet: Once you're a white-haired man in sunglasses and track suit, you might as well take the next step and become a pornographer.
7:04 PM Mar 20th
Mike Birbiglia - @birbigs
Few comedians can match Mike Birbiglia's style. Best described as controlled hilarity, he's equally good at story-telling and absurd observational humour. From his low-key entrance into the game to his successful one man shows, Birbigs consistently brings the funny.
Sample tweet: I heard even the C & C Music Factory is exporting jobs to India. Their new single is called "Everybody dance in 4 to 6 weeks."
1:01 PM Mar 27th
Andy Borowitz - @BorowitzReport
Andy Borowitz is one of the wittiest satirists out there. He's like a one-man version of The Onion. (SPOILER ALERT! They're on the list too) He cranks out smart, funny, biting jabs like a modern-day Mark Twain, except without writing a book full the of the N-word.
Sample tweet: Sunday Morning TV highlights: A roundup of the week's news with a diverse panel of white men.
7:17 AM Mar 27th
Charlie Sheen - @charliesheen
Oh, hells yeah! Are you ready for some batshit crazy? Batshit crazy like a Vatican assassin warlock fox is more like it. While substance abuse related meltdowns* are rarely, if ever, funny, when they're this well orchestrated and served up on a silver platter you can be forgiven for laughing your ass off. The sheer genius (Sheenius?) of this Twitter feed is that with a little social media judo, Charlie Sheen flipped those who were laughing at him into a small army laughing with him. Plus, it's funnier than every episode of Two and a Half Men combined. Sheenius indeed.
Sample tweet: Like a Dinosaur Stampede from middle earth RAGING atop Col. Kilgore's main rotor, our assault must be EPIC. The Truth is our rocket fuel. c
about 7 hours ago
* Seriously, though, Charlie, get some help.
Conan O'Brien - @ConanOBrien
This is the man partially responsible for a huge influx of tweeple into the Twitterverse over the past year. After slugging it out in the nastiest late night battle since Leno vs. Letterman, Conan lost his place as the rightful heir to The Tonight Show legacy. However, much like Letterman before him, he lost the show but won the support of the people. And he did it all without losing his sense of humour and remained funny throughout.
Sample tweet: I am really experiencing “pain at the pump.” I am also really hurting from the price of gas.
1:49 PM Mar 27th
Doug Stanhope - @DougStanhope
Stanhope is one of the filthiest, most foul-mouthed, most offensive stand-up comedians working on the planet today. He is also one of the most insightful, daring performers to master the art of comedy. Nobody rants better than Doug Stanhope. When he goes off on a tear, he can simultaneously gross you out, crack you up, and make you relate to every word he's saying. Simply put, if you miss Bill Hicks, weep no more. You've found your new favorite comedian.
Sample tweet: Manchester = 13yr old Mardi Gras of retards and hair products. Genocide only reasonable solution.
10:38 PM Mar 26th
Jelisa Castrodale - @gordonshumway
Yes, Virginia, there are funny women on Twitter (as you'll see at least two more times on this list), and Ms. Castrodale is one of the funniest. Quick, witty quips to keep you in stitches are the order of the day. I mean, come on, she was prescient enough to be the first one to jump on ALF's real name as her handle. Mad props.
Sample tweet: Just got a prescription for hydrocodone cough syrup. By tomorrow, I'll either feel better or release a mix tape.
5:05 PM Mar 1st
Max Valdivia - @JudoMenudo
Max Valdivia is a cat out of Los Angeles. That's all I know. That and the fact that his is one of the Twitter feeds I tap into the most when I'm bored and feel like cracking up. This guy should have way more followers. That's your cue. Follow him!
Sample tweet: It's hay fever season: lock up your hay before someone gets kinky with it.
11:35 PM Mar 24th
Mat Johnson - @mat_johnson
Now we come to Mat Johnson, a teacher on the faculty of the esteemed University of Houston Creative Writing Program. He is also the author of several sharp-witted satirical novels. He's also one of the funniest mo-fos in the Twittersphere. His feed ain't no Strunk & White. No dry, stuffy tweets here. Just bursts of laugh out loud funniness, sometimes laced with academician wit.
Sample tweet: So the hive mind has decided my next novel will be a steamy paranormal story with a hip-hop twist. 50 Cent-aurs it is!
about 18 hours ago
Mo Rocca - @MoRocca
Writer and satirist Mo Rocca not only did a stint over at The Daily Show during the transition from the Craig Kilborn years to the Jon Stewart era. He's also familiar to any hipster geek who digs on NPR's Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! or CBS Sunday Morning. On his off hours, he keeps the funny going on this Twitter feed.
Sample tweet: Hipsters are Geek Chic. True nerds are Geek Orthodox
2:32 PM Mar 18th
Paul Scheer - @paulscheer
You know the pedigree. Human Giant. Funny or Die. And if you don't know, his Twitter account is a perfect introduction. Small bite-size hors d'oeuvres of absurd humour before feasting on the full bore lunacy at his site, on TV, and on the web. Hey, he's buds with Aziz Ansari who's at the top of this list. What are the odds? 2-in-20, I guess.
Sample tweet: I wish mornings would be moved to afternoons.
10:40 AM Mar 17th
People of Walmart - @PeopleofWalmart
The first of two entities who aren't individual people on this list -- although I have my doubts about that O'Brien guy. Anyway, People of Walmart is an hilarious blog that takes pictures of real people at the retail giant and publishes those pics with mocking captions. In other words, it does what you do inside your head every time you walk through the place. The tweets in this feed link directly to those pics. They originally tried the concept with People of Sam's Club, but the membership fee ensured that the patrons there were so high class that there was no one to make fun of. So enjoy this instead.
Sample tweet: East: #3 No Tan Line Vs. #14 Sneak Peak... http://fb.me/Gz4CIL6t*
1:43 PM Mar 23rd
* It makes way more sense if you follow the link
Rob Delaney - @robdelaney
Rob Delaney is a relief pitcher with the Tampa Bay Rays. He is also not THIS Rob Delaney. This Rob Delaney is a stand-up comedian and Twitter phenom. Dude has got like beaucoups followers. Why? Because his tweets are unique. He doesn't tweet about the same funny things you tweet about. Follow him and get a glimpse into the mind of one very funny man.
Sample tweet: Women who offer me sex on here, please know that I'm happily married to a wonderful woman. Then tell me where to meet you.
7:27 PM Mar 24th
Rob Huebel - @robhuebel
Alright. Thanks to this list you might think that Human Giant just spawns the type of mind that is perfectly suited to take advantage of Twitter as a medium for humour. And you'd be right, because look who it is, Rob Huebel. You've seen him do his thing on the tube/the web. Now read his thoughts with no more scatological humour than is absolutely necessary. They'll make you laugh.
Sample tweet: I do NOT have hoes in different area codes because that would be inefficient for business.
2:07 PM Mar 27th
Sarah Silverman - @SarahKSilverman
Miss Pottymouth herself. Did you really think we'd forget Miss Silverman? Heaven forbid. It took us a while to warm up to her, but once we heard her tell her story "The First Time I Bombed" on NPR's Fresh Air we knew this was a chick we'd better pay attention to. There's no telling what she might say. She brings that same candor to her Twitter stream.
Sample tweet: Disneyland: the destination of Superbowl winners and dying children everywhere!
10:48 PM Mar 6th
Shari VanderWerf - @shariv67
Stand-up comedienne VanderWerf has been hitting the stage since the 80s and tearing it up on Twitter since 2009. She's funny, and her tweets have a style that come off as polished without being slick. Must be her background in the ad game.
Sample tweet: Buy generics to save money. Fine. But a plastic bag full of brown nuggets, simply labeled "food?" That's a step too far.
about 12 hours ago
Sherrod Henderson - @Sherrodzilla
That's right. Yours truly. What? It's my list. I can put who I damn well please on it. Plus, you know I'm funny. You can't deny it. 400+ followers and counting can't be wrong . . . or can they? Oh, no, now I'm doubting myself. Cut to the sample tweet!
Sample tweet: I think my aversion to sports may stem from my phobia of large crowds screaming at Black men to run.
8:54 PM Jan 25th
Justin Halpern - @shitmydadsays
You already know the story. Kid in his 20s lives with dad in his 70s. Kid tweets funny shit dad says. Boom! Book deal. TV Show. And you ask yourself, "Really?! Is it that damn funny?" Yes, it is that damn funny.
Sample tweet: "Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."
11:41 AM Jun 28th, 2010
The Onion - @TheOnion
The Onion grew to be a satire site like no other. It doesn't just lampoon news but society in general. It is constantly on the money whether it's just a headline, a full article, or a video showing an autistic reporter covering a funeral. (That last one is much funnier than my description makes it sound.) Some of the tweets are stand-alones while others contain links to articles and videos. Either way it's a nonstop torrent of laughs.
Sample tweet: Damaged Women Stage Drunken 2 a.m. March On Washington http://onion.com/dRCVkA*
about 13 hours ago
* Once again, even funnier if you follow the link.
These are the 20 absolute funniest tweeters out there! No one else can compare. There can be no dispute about this from any rational person.
Of course, on the off chance that I am wrong, feel free to correct me. Did I miss anyone? Who makes you laugh when you're scrolling through your timeline? Got an opinion? Voice it in the comments section below.
And if you don't want to bother following all these folks, just follow the list LOL Tweets. It's got all 20 of these tweeters and will be updated with even more as more funny accounts roll in. So check it out.
If you like what you read here, I'd really appreciate if you'd pass it on. You can share it by bookmarking it on any of the social networking sites listed below or emailing it to someone you think might dig it. Thanx